An Ownanist Manifesto
By Julian Peters
As a young Republican, I am a strong believer in pulling yourself up by your own efforts, on not relying on handouts from anyone. The hard truth of the matter is that the key to an energetic and vigorous economy is for every man and woman to look out primarily for his or her own private interests, to focus on the pursuit of their own happiness. This approach -one that puts responsibility for an individual’s success squarely in their own hands- I like to call “own-anism”, and I am a firm believer that it is the solution to the deep economic and societal frustrations currently confronting us here in America.
Although I only recently came up with the term ownanism, I feel that it perfectly encapsulates a philosophy by which I have been living my life for a very long time now. Since at least my early adolescence, when I first began to develop my political instincts, I have been an ardent devotee of the ownanist approach. While many of my peers would spend their time smoking illegal narcotics and engaging in irresponsible sexual behavior instead of studying, I would close myself in my room, pull down the shades, and get to work, often continuing into the wee hours of the night. Sure, it could be draining at times, but I came away from those all nighters with a deep sense of satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Best of all, when I achieved success, I knew that I had come by it entirely through my own efforts, that I hadn’t had to count on anyone but myself. This habit of self-reliance came in extremely handy in college as well, and has continued to serve me throughout my adult life.
As I look about me today, however, I can’t but help notice that, unfortunately, not everyone is as committed as I am to such an ownanist approach in their own lives. Far from taking matters into their own hands, many Americans these days would rather make their way on the backs of others, and suck on the government teat. It’s pretty clear by now that the ultimate result of the fed continuing to inject massive loads of money into failed social programs is just to encourage people to lie back and let someone else do all the work for them. Sometimes you just want to grab them and give them a good shake! What happened to the idea of personal responsibility? To taking hold of one’s own life with a firm grasp, and working away at one’s problems until they are ultimately resolved? Sure, some people will get there more rapidly than others, but I am confident that, if they keep at it, everyone will attain a high level of personal satisfaction with the ownanist approach. Not to mention the fact that all of this ownanism would be sure to have some trickle down effect.
So come on, fellow ownanists, it’s time to roll up our sleeves, and go to work! Let’s get America’s economy pumping again!
Onanism n. masturbation [After Onan, son of Judas (Genesis 38:9)]